Sweeney Todd: Modern Day
by skaterpixie
Summary: I thought I'd try my hand at writing Sweeney Todd in present day New York City.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, you might know me from my other fic "The years no doubt have changed me…or did they". Don't worry, I haven't given up on that. This little fic is just another idea that kindled in my head. I actually got inspired from a review I got for my other fic in which my sense of time was alittle off. I fixed it of course, but a brand new idea sparked in my head. WARNING: Do not take this seriously, I'm just writing this for fun and for the sake of getting this stupid idea out of my head. Hope you enjoy******

_The date is January 20__th__ 2008, modern day New York City. There is a closeup of a ferry boat coming from Liberty Island, to Manhatten. There are only two people upon it and the younger one is standing in front of it, his head held high, and with a glazed look in his eye. The other man is standing against the rail with his arms crossed and glaring at literally everything._

Anthony (singing):…From the mountains of Peru, but theres no place like London.

Todd (_gives him a strange look)_: London? We're not in London, you moron.

Anthony: Oh…um (_starts singing) _Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today, I wanna be a part of it, in old New York-

Todd: Will you shut the hell up?

Anthony: Sorry, geez, party pooper.

Todd: You are young…and terrible naïve..and stupid I might add…life has been good to you.

Anthony: No it hasn't. My dad had to insist that I be a sailor, but I'm not really fond of it. I want to settle myself in one place and meet the love of my life and have tons and tons of hot steamy sex and maybe some kids too.

Todd: Let me tell you a story Anthony…obviously you're small mind has been corrupted by nonsense.

Anthony: No, that's because I fell overboard during training..but go on.

Todd: Once upon a time, there was a barber and his wife. And we were beautiful together…I mean they were beautiful. They even had a very beautiful daughter. They were so happy together, until a vile evil bastard of a man had to envy the beautiful wife. And can you guess what happened next?  
Anthony: Yeah, the evil man stole the wife…I've heard this one a hundred billion times. Can you think of another story.

Todd: NO.

Anthony: Look the ferry's docking…I'm gonna go wander amiously through the avenues and streets in search of the love of my life.

Todd: Great, you do that. And Anthony, while you're at it..try crossing the roads without even looking, the taxis will be sure to stop for you.

Anthony (_enthusiasticly)_: Okay! (_jumps off the boat and runs off)_

Todd (_chuckles evily)_ : Theres a hole in the world, like a great black pit, and it's filled with people that are filled with shit, and the vermon of the world inhabit it(_catches breath dramaticly)_ and it's so much different than London.

Random kid: Hey that's a good rap(_repeats the whole thing)_

Todd: Shut up.

Mr Todd wanders the streets, nearly getting hit by a couple taxis and knocked over by a crowd of people. He scowls loudly. Just then, it begins to downpour causing him to duck into the nearby coffee shop only to find a very caffinated woman pacing back and forth.

Mrs Lovett(_talking really fast and hardly standing still)_: Oh my gosh, I didn't see you. God, you're so pale…have you been eating properly, should I get you a doctor, oh wait…would you like some coffee? Coffee is really good for you. I know for sure that it's the one thing that doesn't cause cancer. Isn't that cool? I think it is, that's why I drink as much coffee as I can

Todd: For god sakes woman….chill!

Mrs Lovett: Chill? That's a good one, I haven't chilled in like…years. Here please have some coffee. Not a lot of customers come in at this time. They believe the room upstairs is haunted. Some even have seen apparitions. We tried having Ghost Hunters come here, but there were far too busy going international…and-

Todd: Listen woman, I'll have some coffee, if you close your mouth for ten seconds..okay?

Mrs Lovett(_nods and serves him coffee, then looks like she's about to burst)_: Look, I'm sorry, but you see ten seconds is alittle long for me. I'm Nellie Lovett by the way…people like to call me by my first name or even just Nell, you can call me whatever you like.

Todd: Yo motor mouth…can you please pass the cream?

Mrs Lovett(_scowls)_: Except that…you know that's not very nice. (_pouts)_

Todd: Fine, Nellie, can you please stop talking so fast and pass the cream?  
Mrs Lovett (_slows down her speech)_: Oh, why didn't you say so. Here's the cream.

Todd (_takes a sip and spits it out)_: Good god, could this be any stronger?

Mrs Lovett(_giggles like a naughty girl)_: Isn't that nasty? Oh it wasn't my idea, it's all procedure. You see I'm supposed to used only one pack of coffee grounds per cantine..but I thought it needed more of a kick, so I added three more.(_smiles proudly)_

Todd: No wonder you can't stop talking.

Mrs Lovett: Its funny, some people consider this place to be the worse coffee shop in all of New York.

Todd (_sarcasticly)_: Gee I wonder why. So, why is that room haunted?

Mrs Lovett: Well there are several stories about what goes on up there. (_lowers voice alittle)_ Some say, there were witches that used to worship the devil who did rituals up there. (_lowers voice even more)_ Others say, the man who used to live up there killed himself and his children. (_lowers voice to a whispher)_ Others say that the man up there…. (_voice now barely audible)_ went crazy and…(_takes a long dramatic pause then shouts)_ MADE PEOPLE INTO PIES!

Todd (_jumps about a foot in the air causing Mrs Lovett to laugh hysterically)_: Not funny.

Mrs Lovett: Aww come on, I'm just busting on ya. Lighten up. Wanna hear a story about what really happened up there?

Todd: Will this involve shouting like a mad woman?

Mrs Lovett: If you want it to.

Todd (_yells)_: NO!

Mrs Lovett: Do you have tarrets syndrome? Any ways, up there before this was a coffee shop, a man used to live there. His name was Benjamin Barker. The cutest man I have ever seen, if I do say so myself. God I used to try so hard to get his attention, but nonetheless, we were JUST FRIENDS. He had to go and marry the bitchest, trashiest, sleaziest, woman there was and of course he had a baby with her, because I think that was all she wanted out of him.

Todd(_getting angry)_: Now wait a minite, I've heard this one and the woman was not sleazy or bitchy or any of the other things you said about her. And she did not marry the guy just to have babies. If you're going to tell a story I already know, at least get the facts right.

Mrs Lovett: What-EVER. So this mob boss dude called Turr-Pin also liked her. Though I can't imagine why and made sure that Benjamin could never return to her. So he locked him in a trunk and sent him to Liberty Island in which I think he died. Poor thing, I would have treated him so much better than that-

Todd: Don't even try or I'll spill this coffee all over you're pretty pink shirt.

Mrs Lovett(_rolls her eyes)_: I don't see why you keep defending her. She did after all go along with Turr-Pin and he HAD her as a trophy wife. Rumor has it, he dumped her for a richer, prettier girl.

Todd: What about the baby they had?

Mrs Lovett: Turr-Pin kept her as ransom for Benjamin in case he ever came back.

Todd: So what do these rumors say about the woman?  
Mrs Lovett: That she became a drunk and died of alcohol poisoning.

Todd (_sarcasticly)_: Oh that's just wonderful.

Mrs Lovett: So did I tell the story right?

Todd: No, you were supposed to say that my wife and kid is living together happily.

Mrs Lovett (_lightens up)_: Benjamin Barker…(_jumps up and embraces him tightly) _It's you!.It's you! It's you! You came back to me! I knew it!

Todd: LET GO OF ME! (_Mrs Lovett jumps back and looks at him worried)_ God don't you have an off button?

Mrs Lovett: Sorry, I just got excited okay?

Todd: Fine, fine,

Mrs Lovett: You better apologise or I won't give you the surprise.

Todd: What surprise?  
Mrs Lovett(_teasing)_: A very special surprise.

Todd: Okay fine, I'm sorry Nellie..(_practically gags on his words)_ I'm…glad…to see you…too

Mrs Lovett: Okay good, so let me close up this joint and I'll take you to the surprise. (_flips over a closed sign then smiles sweety)_ Ready?

Todd: That's all you had to do?  
Mrs Lovett: Uh huh, come on we're taking my car.

_Mrs Lovett (Nellie, she prefers to be called Nellie) leads Todd out to her pink camero and jumps inside. Todd looks around at the fuzzy dice and sparkily steering wheel cover and nearly throws up. It was far too much cute for one sitting. As she starts the car, the radio blars the song "Bye Bye Bye"causing Todd to scows loudly and Nellie to change it. After twenty minites of traffic jams, taxis continously honking their horns, crowds of people not looking where they were going, and Nellies singing "Soulja Boi" absurdly loud, Todd was about to jump out of the car into the nearby sewer. But the car stopped just in time, in front of an apartment complex._

Todd: Bout fricken time.

Nellie: Watch you're language, Mr Barker.

Todd: For the hundreth time Nellie, my name is Sweeney Todd now. SWEE-NEE-TODD.

Nellie: Sor-rey…not my f fault that you changed your name.

Todd: Ooh now look whose swearing.

Nellie (_glares at him)_: So much for me helping you. You can find your razors all on your own.

Todd: My what?

Nellie: I'm not helping you out anymore (_walking to her car)_'

Todd: No, wait…Nellie..Nellie..please…babe…I'm sorry…sweetie….goddess…princess..Nellie please don't be mad at me…please give me the surprise (_falls to his knees in despair)_

Nellie: Fine…but you really need an attitude ajustment.(_leads him inside an abandoned apartment room and tears apart the floorboards and pulls out a box)_ Here you are.

Todd(_opens it)_: MY FRIENDS!! MY LOVE OF MY LIFE!! (_strokes each of them tenderly, the "Romeo and Juliet theme is being played)_

Nellie: Mr. Todd (_record scratch) _Sorry to interupt your questionable relationship with your razors, but can you kindly stop, people are starting to stare.

Todd: There are no people.

Nellie (_guesters towards the large open window where a crowd of people are pointing and laughing)_ :Uh yeah there are.

Todd (_Shuts the curtains)_: You, get out of here. Leave me in peace with my friends.

Nellie: Suit yourself.(_leaves the room)_

Todd(_to his razors)_: There there, I hope she didn't scare you too much. Whats that? Yes yes glad to see you too. (_stands up)_ At last my arm is complete again! MWWWHAHAHAHA!! (_laughs evily for a ½ hour straight)_

**Well, that's a long enough chapter to get you started with. Like I said don't take this too seriously, it was just a fun idea I had to get out of my head. Hope you enjoyed and stay tuned for chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to Chapter two, here you will meet the mob boss Turr Pin, his darling ward Johanna, Turr Pin's strong and very attractive assistant B Del and a couple other characters. Enjoy!

_While Mr Todd met the highly caffinated Nellie Lovett and laughed evily for a half hours straight, Anthony wandered the streets of New York, getting run over by numerous taxis and searching for the love of his life. Currently he is talking to a very attractive brunette woman at the local pub._

Anthony: So whats your name?

Brunette: Dominique

Anthony: Dominique? I feeeeeel you Dommmmin-Nah sorry that doesn't quite work (_moves onto a pretty Asian woman) _Hi what's your name?

Asian Woman: Ming

Anthony: Ming…hmm,…I feeeeeeeeeeeeeel you Ming- Nah that doesn't work either. (_joins an African American woman)_ Hi, whats your name?

African American Woman: Shawntarelle

Anthony; I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you Shawwwwwntarellllle…hmm possibly.

Shawntarelle: Sorry, I'm already taken. (_gets up and leaves)_

Anthony: Shit…well this sucks. (_takes a swig of his vodka and tonic and gazes out the window. He spots a pretty blonde girl standing on the balcony of an appartment complex. He stares googily eyes and with his mouth hanging open.) _Wow, she had better have a name I can sing about. (_grabs a really drunk woman who is playing beer pong)_ You there, would you by any chance know who that is.

Drunk Woman: Whada what?

Anthony: That girl…who is she?

Drunk Woman: Mmm myum daughterum J..Johann..a(_passes out)_

Anthony: Johanna? Johanna! (_likes the sound of it)_ I feeeeeeeeeeeeel yoooooou Johaaaaaaaaaaannnnna! (_pauses and smiles)_ I like it! I feeeeeeeeeeeeel yooooooou Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnna! (_jumps out of his seat and goes outside in the direction of Johanna)_

Johanna (_singing softly)_: I don't know why you pigeons sing.

Pigeon: Give us more food and we'll sing as much as you want.

Johanna (_looks down and spots Anthony running down the street like a manic)_: Oh I wish I could be free like him. Hahaha, he just tripped over his feet! He's kinda cute in a werid, pityful sort of way. Uh oh, better not let Turr Pin see him.

Anthony (_yelling to Johanna)_: HI there, you are hott! Can I get your digits? You know, a phone number.

Johanna: I take that back (_goes inside)_

Anthony (_yells even louder)_: No wait…Johanna…come back! Please? Do you have an email address? A screen name? Anything?

_Enter B Del, Turr Pin's personal trainer and assistant. He has thick blond slightly long hair, extremely muscular, and an "Arnold" voice._

B Del: You there, my boss would like to meet you.

Anthony: Whose your boss?  
B Del: uh umm…Santa Claus. He wants to uh know what you want for Christmas.

Anthony: Really?

B Del: Yes

Anthony: Really?

B Del: Yes

Anthony: Really? Really?  
B Del: YES now come on (_pulls Anthony into the apartment complex and into one of the rooms. There are several very muscular body guards standing around)_

Anthony: He this doesn't look like-

B Del: Shut up punk. (_addresses his boss)_ Yo, boss. Here he is.

_Enter Turr Pin, with slicked back brown hair, sunglasses, leather jacket, and a cigarette._

Turr Pin: Sit down

Anthony: You're not Santa Claus

Turr Pin (_sarcasticly)_: Ah ha, very funny. Want a smoke?

Anthony: No thanks, I quit.

Turr Pin: I think you know why you're here.

Anthony: Yeah to tell Santa what I want for Christmas.

Turr Pin: Stupid boy, I heard you singing about my ward Johanna. Did you not?

Anthony: Pfft, I don't know any Johanna.

Turr Pin: Then why did you yell her name and something about an email.

Anthony: That wasn't me.

(_Turr Pin pulls out his cell phone and shows Anthony a video of him yelling up to Johanna)_

Anthony: OOOOOOh, that Johanna. Yeah she's really hott. I didn't know she was your ward.

Turr Pin: I'm warning you boy, if I see you on my turf ever again, I'll make you wish you were never born.

Anthony: Hey, aren't you Snape from Harry Potter? And the voice of that robot dude from "Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy."?

Turr Pin (_with a sigh)_: Yeah that was me.

Unamed Assistance: He enjoys acting on the side.

Anthony: So do I.

Turr Pin: Get out before I change my mind about letting you off the hook.

Anthony: Okay bye Snape.

Turr Pin: GET OUT! (_Anthony scrambles out screaming hysterically. Once out of the building, he looks up and spots Johanna once again)_

Anthony: I'll steeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaal you Johhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaa!

Turr Pin: I SAID GET OUT! (_Anthony runs off)_

_Meanwhile, Nellie took the liberty of taking a very unwilling Todd into downtown Manhatten._

Todd: Tell me again WHY are we wandering downtown Manhatten?

Nellie: Because it's fuuuuuun.

Todd: How could you possibly find this fun?

Nellie: Hey at least it's better than laughing evily for ½ straight. Plus I could do a better evil laugh than you.

Todd: I highly doubt that.

Nellie: Watch..I've been practicing. (_does the creepy Bellatrix laugh) _

Random Kid; Hey mommy look it's Bellatrix.

Nellie (_smiles)_: Yeah that's me!

Todd: What the hell? Whose Bellatrix?  
Nellie: Well, I started going crazy not having you around. So I took up acting and got a marvelous part in this movie called Harry Potter.

Todd: I see.

Nellie: Hey lets go into that pub over there and get you really drunk and then we can have hot sex and tons and tons of babies and then you can totally forget about Lucy and live happily ever after with me.

Todd: Nellie, do you remember the chat we had about calming down?

Nellie: Uh…not really. All this caffiene stunts my memory.

Todd: Figures.

Nellie: Oh come-on Mr. Todd, don't you just want to have fun sometime.

Todd: No, I want revenge. Yes, revenge is what I like. Revenge is fun! Hey Nellie if I slit your throat, will that make you shut up?

Nellie: Possibly, though I can't imagine why you would want to do that to someone like me.

Todd (_pulls out one of his razors and strokes it)_ : Oh I can.

Nellie: What did you say?

Todd: Oh nothing just.

Nellie: Never mind that, come on. (_leads him to a club called Inferno. Where there are many people either drinking, drunk, dancing, talking loudly or playing pool)_

Todd: The lights. The music. The dancing. This is too much (_holds his head and thinks of death and destruction, then takes a breath)_

Nellie: You okay Mr Todd?

Todd: Yeah, get me something that will get me drunk fast.

Nellie: Now wait a minite, the man is supposed to buy the drinks..everyone knows that.

Random good looking guy: Yeah, what kind of punk are you? (_checks out Nellie)_ Can I buy you a drink?  
Nellie (_giggles)_: Sure.

Todd(_spots B Del)_: It's B Del…I'm gonna kill him!

Nellie: Not here, you moron.

Todd: Why not?  
Nellie: Hel-lo, look where we are. We're at the hottest club in all of New York. Duh!

Todd: Then what do YOU suggest.

Nellie: That YOU chill and have some fun for once.

Todd: haha you said chill. Okay fine.

_After about six shots and 2 beers later, Sweeney Todd is definatly drunk. So drunk that he is on the dance floor grinding with Nellie, who is really enjoying it. The music suddenly stopped and someone walks up on._

Announcer Dude: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for the youngest rapper in all of New York City, Lil T! (_Enter a very pimped out Toby, the crowd cheers loudly)_

Toby: Yo yo yo! WATS UP NEW YORK?!_ (everyone cheers)_

Nellie (_leaning her back against Todd whose hands are around her waist tightly_): Is this kid for real?

Toby (_starts doing a rap version of Pirelli's Elixer song which was mostly the Eminem song "Lose Yourself" while adding something about hair and Pirelli. He throws several bottles out to the audience.)_

Nellie (_catches one)_: Hey Mr. T, I caught one.

Todd (_kissing Nellie's neck and running his hands over her)_: That's great luv. Can we go back to your apartment now?

Nellie (_giggles, then opens the bottle)_: Eww it smells really gross.

Todd: Smells like piss and vodka. (_reaches for the bottle) _Can I have some?

Nellie: Mr. T, no, you've had far enough.

Todd: Pleeeease Nel-Nel.

_Toby ends his song and the crowd cheers loudly._

Announcer: Next is Signor Pirelli! (_enter a really pimped out Pirelli)_

Pirelli: Wat-a is-a up-a New York-a

Todd: An Italian rapper? This I've got to see.

Pirelli: I challenge anyone man enough to a rap battle.

Nellie: I daaaare you.

Todd: Alright then (_stumbles drunkenly to the stage)_: You're on.

Pirelli: Bring it-a Bitch.

Todd: Its already been brought.

Announcer: Welcome to New York idol! (_everyone cheers loudly)_ Lets meet our judges…give it up for the hottest singer in all today's music Yo Momma, next let us give a holla to B Del, and finally the judge we love to hate Simon Cowell. (_audience cheers)_

Tood: Are we really doing American idol? I thought this was a rap off.

Pirelli: I tricked you-a.

Announcer: First up is Signor Pirell.

Pirelli: Can I have a vollenteer please? (_picks a guy with a long beard)_ You will see-a that I am much more-a than just an amazing singer-a. I'm a barber-a too!

Announce: Born and raised in Kazkastan, Signor escaped his chaotic childhood and did what any knowledgeable foreigner would do, come to New York. Here he attended Juillard, school of the arts, where he studied ballet, theater, and most of all voice. On the side, he took up shaving as a day job until he would be discovered. Here he is the Highnote highness himself performing "The Magic Flute"while shaving a very hairy man…Signor Pirelli! (_Pirelli begins to shave the customer while hitting the extremely high notes. Finally, Pirelli ends his song with a final slash of the razor. The crowd cheers loudly for him as he takes his bow and faces the judges_)

Announcer: Signor Pirelli! Ladies and Gentlemen. Whoo and he's freshly shaved. Judges what did you think?

Yo Momma: Yo Signor, I thought it was hot. You were able to hit all those high notes while cleanly shaving that customer. Man, that was great! Loved it!

B Del: Yeah I thought it was alright. It took way too long to shave the customers and the notes were alittle pitchy, man. I'm sorry, but it was just alright for me.

Simon Cowel: What the bloody hell was that. The notes were all over the place, you missed a spot on the customer, and that was insanely high for any male to sing. Absolutely dreadful.

Announcer: Thank you Signor. Next up, give it up for Sweeney Todd!!!

Todd: I'll show you how it's done (_selects a man with long hair)_

Announcer: Unfortunatly, we're not too sure about his past, but here he is singing 'Numb by Linkin Park while shaving a customer's head, Sweeney Todd!!! (_Sweeney Todd surprisingly sings very well for being drunk and shaves the customer in a total of five seconds and ends his song dramaticly by stage diving. Afterward the crowd cheers very loudly and he is brought back to the stage)_

Announce: Wow! Sweeney Todd everybody! Judges what did you think?

Yo Momma: I have two word FA- NOMINAL! That was amazing, it brought tears to my eyes!

B Del: Yo, that was amazing man. Do you take appointments? I would love to come to you for a shave. Great job!

Simon Cowel: That's what I call a New York idol. Your notes were perfect, the customer was perfectly shaved, and your tone was perfectly fit for a male of your age. Brillant job!

Announcer: Well you know what that means New York. Sweeney Todd is your New York idol! Hooray! How do you feel?

Todd: Oh my god, this is the happiest moment of my life! I'd like to thank mom and dad who are dead. And Nellie. I love you baby!

Nellie (_extremely excited)_: I love you too Mr. T!!!

_Just then, the world around Sweeney Todd goes into a spiralling vortex and then all black._

Hahaha, that was wicked fun to write. Yeah, I know it's extremely werid, but this is what happens when caffiene has taken over my brain. DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY! I mean Sweeney Todd mixed with American idol is not likely to happen. Haha, that would be funny though. Preview for next chapter: Mr T wakes up the most horrid hangover ever and no recollection of the night before…except B Del saying that he'll come in for a shave. Will Mr T finally get his revenge? Stay tuned.


	3. Chapter 3

**So, I'm bored at work and decided to work on Chapter 3. I've already had 3 cups of tea, so my mind is definatly altered by caffiene. So if may be very random and strange…..enjoy:)**

_The next morning, Mr T. woke up with the worst headache imaginable and let out a loud groan that could have been heard throughout all NYC. Enter Nellie with a cup of water and pills._

Nellie: Here you are Mr T, this outta help that hangover of yours?

Todd: Would you mind telling me how this happened?

Nellie: How what happened? Dude you had like four shots and 2 beers, I'm not surprised you feel like this. You had quite the night.

Todd (_another loud groan)_: Dare I ask what happened last night? Are you now impregnanted with my kid?  
Nellie (_with a sigh)_: Unfortunatly..no. You passed out at the bar and my guy friend Sam had to bring you back here.

Todd: Sam? God you're a slut.

Nellie: Excuse me, Mr T. He ONLY helped me bring you here. I couldn't carry you here myself.

Todd: You could have tried. So what went on with you and Sam?  
Nellie: Absolutely nothing! God you're so annoying when your hung over.

Todd: Whatever, so what else happened last night?  
Nellie (_talking really fast)_: Well, you won New York idol, we encountered the youngest rapper in all of New York, you won beer pong, you kept feeling me up on the dance floor, you called me the hottest girl you've ever seen, B Del was one of the judges for New York idol…

Todd: NELLIE, SLOW THE HELL DOWN!

Nellie: Sor-rey, do I have to say it all again?

Todd: Yes, so what was this about New York idol?  
Nellie: You won it.

Todd: I did WHAT? THAT'S COMPLETE RIDICULOUS! WHY THE HELL DID I DO THAT? (_breaks character for a moment) _What did I sing? Did I sound good?

Nellie (_swooning)_: Oh yes Mr. T, you did amazing. (_stops swooning)_ I mean, yes you did rather well.

Todd: THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD, ME DOING NEW YORK IDOL

Nellie: Simon Cowell even liked you. Oh never mind, you were drunk. I dared you and you just jumped on stage and started singing. Oops.

Todd (_advances on her)_: You mean, it was your fault that I made a complete fool of myself?

Nellie (_hesitates)_: Umm…yeah.

Todd (_pulls out his razor)_: That's it Nellie, I'm gonna give you a shave you will never forget.

_Nellie backs up quickly slamming into the wall with Mr. T a mere inches from her._

Nellie (_quickly and desperately)_: Wait, but B Del said he's going to come in for a shave.

Todd (_message did not sink in and presses the razor to her neck)_: Stop pleading I- what did you say?

Nellie: B Del said that he's definatly going to come in for a shave. He was one of the judges at New York idol. He liked your style.

Todd: Really? Hehe that's cool. I mean, when did he say that he was going to come in?

Nellie: I uh, sometime within the week.

Todd: Ah, that's what I like to hear. Fine, I'll let you off the hook until he comes in.

Nellie: You forget Mr. T that I was the one taking care of your razors while you were gone.

Todd: No you didn't, did you see this one..it looks like it's been starved. And this one has not been polished in at least a decade. They were cold and lonely and all you did was shove them under the floor boards of an abandoned apartment. How could you have no heart?

Nellie: Umm right Mr T. (_finally released)_ What the fk was that about? You almost broke my neck, shoving me against the fin wall like that. (_takes on the Marla Singer persona. She finally stops after a couple minites)_

Todd: Umm Oh kay. That was werid.

Nellie: Sorry, that was another character that I played while you were gone.

Todd: A bad ass chick. Love it.

Nellie: hehe thanks.

Todd: Now Nellie, what else happened last night?

Nellie: Not too much we were just dancing and you said I was the hottest girl you've ever seen.

Todd; Really now?

Nellie: That's right.

Todd: Talk like that character of yours more often and maybe I'll say that again.

Nellie: But Mr T, you're supposed to like me for me.

Todd: Why would I think that?

Nellie(_starts tearing up)_: I dunno, I was just hoping.

Todd: Go make yourself useful and keep an eye out for B Del, get him to come here.

Nellie; How am I supposed to do that?  
Todd: Well you seduced that Sam guy..figure it out.

Nellie: Why don't you just call me when that hangover of yours is gone (_storms off)_

_Meanwhile Anthony could not keep away from Johanna and secretly spied on her from behind the bushes across the street. Johanna is currently standing on her balcony looking out into the city. Anthony quickly rushes to it._

Anthony: Love of my life, let down your lustrus locks!

Johanna: Huh? Where the fk did you come up with that?

Anthony: Oh, I just always wanted to say that. Hi, whats up girl?

Johanna: I WAS doing fine.

Anthony: Oh well that's great. You look pretty today, I mean you look pretty every day. Do they ever let you out..I mean can you ever go out..no I mean if you had the chance..god Im an idiot…will you go out with me?

Johanna (giggles): You're such a pathetic soul. If they did let me out, then I probably would. I'd feel guilty otherwise.

Anthony: You mean you would? (_does a victory dance_)

Johanna: But they never let me out. You can come and visit me, if you like. (_throws down the key, which hits him square in the crouch. He keels over_) Oops my bad.

Anthony (_high pitched voice_) Don't sweat it!

Johanna: Look I overheard them talking…they're planning on going to that barber guy sometime this week. YOU should come visit me then.

Anthony: Hey, I can do that. That would be fun!

Johanna: Now, go before you get caught.

Anthony: Alright then…(_in a heroic voice such as the prince from "Enchanted_")I will come to rescue you! I'll steeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll yooooooooooou Johaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnna!

Johanna (_yelling after him_): Do you want to get caught? Stop singing that blasted song! Idiot!

_Meanwhile inside the apartment, Turr Pin and B Del are talking.._

B Del: ..So then he shaved the customer while singing Linkin park and the whole audience cheered.

Turr Pin: That's great. Hey B Del, have you noticed that my hair has been greying and my back has been hurting.

B Del: Yeah because you fell on it breakdancing last night.

Turr Pin: No I'm getting old. (_starts tearing up_) My hair is getting grey and I still haven't met the love of my life. Lucy had to be a bitch to me, Nellie had to be already married, and now all I have is Johanna. Hey wait Johanna's hott and young and could bear me an heir to the mafia.

B Del: Uh isn't she like seventeen?

Turr Pin: So, that's the perfect age to start bearing me heirs. She's had no contact with any other men and I'll see to it that it lasts.

B Del: Okay boss, but why don't you get a shave. You're face is getting kinda hairy and you could certainly use that new cologne that Mr Todd is said to use.

Turr Pin: Alright then. Mr Todd, eh? Hmm never heard of him…well lets go then.

B Del: Alright then, I'll set up and appointment for ya.

Turr Pin: No need, just allow me to spy on my ward in peace and then we'll go in fifteen.

B Del: Right then, peace.

Turr Pin: Peace.

_A couple hours later…._

Todd: Where the hell is he?

Nellie: Will you watch your language. Taking it out on me will not help the situation.

Todd: Well you were the one that told me B Del was going to me be coming.

Nellie: Yeah within the week. Look at the calendar genius it's only Tuesday.

Todd: You getting smart with me, woman?

Nellie:Yeah because you're getting dumb with me.

Todd: I am not.

Nellie: Are too

Todd: Are not

Nellie: Are too.

Todd: Nell, we're adults here, there's only one way to settle this….we engage in an insult war.

Nellie: You're on mista T.

Todd: Bring it beeotch. Yo so dumb that you starved to death in a grocery store.

Nellie: Well yo so fat that when you jumped in the ocean, all the whales starting singin "We are family'.

Todd: Is that so, yo so stupid you tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Nellie; Or really well yo so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone.

Todd: Honestly Nellie-vanielli, is that the best you can do. Yo so short you gotta slam dunk your bus fare.

Nellie: Oh you wanna go…well yo like chinese food, sweet, sour and cheap.

Todd: Yo so short you modeled for a trophy.

Nellie; Yeah because I'm a winner, no doubt.

Todd: Okay Miss-I-have-the-worst-coffee-in-all-of-New-York-City.

_They are interupted by Pirelli clearing his throat loudly_.

Pirelli: Are you-a finished?

Todd: Yeah.

Nellie: Yeah pretty much.

Todd: Good insult war Nell…that chinese food one was really good.

Nellie: So was the one about slam dunking.

Pirelli (_clears his throat again)_: Hello-a

Nellie: How did you get in?

Pirelli: I have connections-a, now go be useful-a and get me a rum-a and coke-a

Nellie: Get it yourself…I mean as you wish.

Toby: Hey babe, I had a feeling I'd see you again.

Nellie: Oh no….I mean Hey Lil T

Toby: Actually Lil T is just my stage name, my real name is Tobias, but please call me Toby.

Nellie: Nice to meet you Toby, I'm Nellie.

Toby: I heard you own a coffee shop, that's one thing the T mister practically lives on.

Nellie: Alright then…Mr T. I'm taking Lil T..I mean Toby to my coffee shop. Be back in ½ hour.

**Okay that's it for now. Expect the next installment either tomorrow or Tuesday depending on how much time I have. I'd like to thank my lil sister for providing some of the yo mommna jokes, the yo momma joke website in which I got most of the jokes, and hot tea for which this fic would not be possible without it. Coming up next Chapter: Pirelli isn't who we all think he is. What happens when Turr Pin comes into the claws of Sweeney Todd? Stay tuned.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow, we're at Chapter 4 already. Seems like only yesterday since I first started it. Actually, it was more like a week ago. Thanks again for all you're kind reviews, reading my work, and tolerating my strange quirky sense of humor. Trust me, it's highly a result of too much caffiene. Hey, I had to base 'Nellie' on something…hehe. Anyways, Chapter four..go.**

_While Nellie Lovett took lil T..I mean Toby to her coffee shop, Mr T brought Pirelli to Nellie's apartment which was convienently tranformed into a barbershop of somesort. The reason behind this is still unknown. Nonetheless, Mr. T was determined to give Pirelli the closest shave he had ever had._

Mr T: Like the apartment? It's not mine, it's Nellie's and it was magicly transformed to look like a barber shop..isn't that cool?

Pirelli (_sarcasticly_): Oh yeah. That's great Mr Todd..or should I say Benjamin Barker. 

Mr. T: Pfft whose that?  
Pirelli: You know very well that it's you.

Mr T: No it's not. Why would I have a name like Benjamin when Sweeney sounds so much cooler.

Pirelli (_magicly adopts a NY accent)_: First of all, Sweeney is not a cool name. Second of all, I used to know you Mr Barker. We were old chums. Running amok through the streets of Manhatten eating hot dogs. You water skiing at my cottage…god you were bad. Me, watching your grace and beauty as you shaved your customers clean and admiring it. God, it was like Swan Lake, each of your razors had a story to them. Do you remember those times, Mr Barker? Do you?(_tearing up)_

Mr T: Ummmm….no.

Pirelli: We were like bros, you and I. Chums…homies…whatever you call it these days.

Mr T: How bout nothing you werid theatrical freak with a bad accent.

Pirelli: That really hurt my feeling…I'm going to blackmail you…yeah that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna tell Turr Pin that your..you unless you give me all your money and the New York idol title.

Mr. T: Or how bout you die.

Pirelli: Huh?

Mr T (_hits him in the head with a chair then slits his throat and looks around quickly for a place ot hide the body)_: Shit, where am I going to hide this thing? Ah yes, the wardrobe (_drags the body into Nellie's room which has a convienently body sized wardrobe. He opens it quickly)_ Damn doesn't she have enough shoes? And dresses? (_finds a corset)_ Ooooh yeah. I'll have to force her to model that for me, (_throws it and most of her shoes into a pile under her bed and stuffs the body inside)_ That was easy.

_Enter Toby, extremely caffinated._

Toby (_talking really fast)_: Hi…where's Pirellli? Man I love coffee. Coffee is really good. I had five cups already. I feel like I could fly. But first I wait for Pirelli cuz he'll beat me senseless if I don't cater to his every need. I like Nellie Lovett, she's a sweet sweet lady. You two should totally hook up and and maybe adopt me as part of the family. I could create a good rap for you. Man I love rapping maybe just as much as I love coffee. Coffie is really good. Did I mention that already? It's so so so so so good. Nellie sure makes it good. She's quite the lady. Lots of fun to be around. Pirelli has an appointment. I guess he left already. Oh well, I'm gonna go see what Nellie's doing or wearing or drinking. I hope it's coffee. Man I love coffee. Coffee is really good. See Ya Big T. ( _accidently crashes into the wall then runs out of the room)_

Mr T (_slams his head against the wall)_ Not ANOTHER one. That woman is going to be the death of me.

Nellie (_extremely happy)_: Hi Mr. T. (_hugs him)_

Mr T: Nellie, I thought we had a discussion about personal space.

Nellie: We did? Oh yeah, I kinda forget. You'll never guess what happened.

Mr T (_sarcasticly playing along)_: Really? What?

Nellie: Well, Toby and I went to my coffee shop and…(_goes on for a good fifteen minites about absolutely nothing)_…And then, I decided that we, Toby and I come back here and hang out with you. Isn't that HILARIOUS? So Mr. T when are you and I going back to my coffee shop? Maybe strong coffee is what to you need…

Mr T: NO!! (_Nellie falls backward due to being thrown off guard)_

Nellie: You're scaring me, Mr T.

Mr T: Oh I can do a whole lot more than scaring you.

Nellie: Please don't.

Mr T: I will unless you do whatever I say. Got it?

Nellie (_pouting alittle)_: Okay Mr. T, whatever you say.

Mr T: Now you will stop talking really fast and…stop drinking coffee, it's really bad for you.

Nellie; No it's not. It's one of the few things that doesn't cause cancer.

Mr T: True but if you keep drinking it, I will be forced to skin you alive with my razors. (_Nellie jumps in fright as he flicks open his razor.)_

Nellie; Okay Okay, I'll cut down.

Mr T: Now go enterain Lil T, give him whatever he wants.

Toby (_from outside)_: Sweet! That chick's gonna give me whatever I want. Better start making a list.

Nellie: Alright then Mr. T. (_eyeballing his suspiciously, then leaving the room)_

Mr T (_chuckling)_: Man I love scaring her.

_Meanwhile Turr Pin and B Del are very close to arriving…_

Turr Pin (_singing)_: I'm in to having sex, I'm in te making love, so call me in da club, if you feel like gitting drugged.

B Del: Yo boss, we're here.

Turr Pin: No wait, I need to do the dance sequence (_breaks out in hip hop dancing and sings) _Go shorty it's yo birday we're gonna party like it's yo birthday, party like it's yo birthday.

B Del (_watches for a moment then knocks on the door)_: Yo anyone home?

Nellie (_answers the door)_: HI! (_looks werided out by Turr Pin dancing and singing)_

B Del: He's just really excited to get shaved. Is Mr Todd in?

Nellie: Yea and he's in a really bad mood.

B Del: Pity, we were hoping that he would give my boss a shave.

Nellie: Eww he sure needs one. Come on in. I'll get Mr. T for you. (_stands at the bottom of the stairs and yells at the top of her lungs)_ MR T! YOU'VE GOT CUSTOMERS!!!!!!(_no answer) _Let me try again. (_yells even louder)_ MR T! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!! (_still no answer)_ God he's so stupid sometimes. Whelp there's only one other way.

B Del: To go up there yourself?

Nellie; No, because he wants to skin me alive. Here's one other way, you might want to cover your ears.(_starts singing extremely loud and painfully off key causing Mr T to race down the stairs)_ Haha always works.

Mr T: Holy shit that sounded like a combination of cats fighting, nails of a chalkboard, and pirelli at the contest last night. God woman what are you on?

Nellie: Nothing dear, I just wanted to tell you that you had some customers.

Mr. T (_glares at her)_: I'll deal with you later. (_pushes her away and approaches Turr Pin and B Del)_

Turr Pin: Ah Mr Todd, I heard great things about you.

Mr T: I'm sure you have, come let's give you a shave.

Turr Pin (_eagerly)_: Okay!

Mr T: So, what's the occasion?

Turr Pin: I'm marrying my ward…uh whatshername.

Mr T: Your ward? That's really werid.

Turr Pin: No it's not I'm getting old and desperate for some heirs.

Mr T: Oh…

Turr Pin: So, I'm happy with…uh…Jamacia.

Mr T: Her name is Jamacia?  
Turr Pin: No, it's something like that.

Mr T (_talking to himself)_: There we go, easy does it. Lets make the moment last.

Turr Pin: Huh?

Mr T: Um nothing, so don't ya just love women. Pretty ones.

Turr Pin: Yeaa…

Mr T: I would sure love to have a pretty woman as a wife and have a pretty daughter. Preferably with yellow hair.

Turr Pin: Yeah I like girls with yellow hair...red heads too.

Mr T: Really? How bout we trade, I take Jamacia and you take Nellie.

Turr Pin: Hmmm, I'll have to think about it. Nah, she's too happy for me always jumping around and singing...

Mr T; I KNOW and she's just so sweet all the time. No one could be sweet all the time. And all that caffiene.

Turr Pin: Yeah...it's kind of funny seeing her sing really annoyingly to get yo attention. Maybe someday I'll make babies with her too...you know for some variety in my heirs.

Mr. T: Can't disagree with that. Plus I was in her closet and she has a corset...yeahhh.

Turr Pin: So does my ward Jessie...I have a peephole where I spy on her.

Mr T: Ahh isn't being a pervert fun?

Turr Pin: It certainly is, it certainly is.

Mr. T(to his razor): Now Mr. Razor (about to slit Turr Pin's throat)

Anthony(bursting in): Hey Mr Todd. I'm gonna kidnap Johanna from that evil jerk Turr Pin and we're gonna run away together and live happily ever-uh oh.

Turr Pin: YOU!

Anthony: Me? Me who?

Turr Pin: You're stealing my ward??

Anthony: Yeah cuz she said I could.

Turr Pin (_jumps out of chair)_: Not before I get there first. Mr Todd..we'll have to continue our discussion later (_races out)_

Mr T: I"M GONNA KILL YOU!!! (_starts for Anthony)_

Anthony: AHHHHHHH!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! WHY WOULD YOU KILL ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! (_screams like a little girl)_

_Nellie races up the stairs to find total chaos._

Nellie: Ummm...okay. What the bloody hell is going on here?

Mr T: I'M GONNA KILL YOU (_chasing Anthony around the room)_

Nellie (_yells)_: Yo! Shut yo mouths! (_they stop and turn to her)_ Now, would you mind telling me in a calm way what happened.

Mr T: Anthony had to screw me over.

Anthony: I did what?  
Mr T: I had him. I was just about to have my moment in glory and you had to ruin it!

Anthony: I'm sorry (_runs off)_

Nellie: Honestly Mr T, that wasn't very nice.

Mr T: Very Nice? (_starts for her)_ I'll show you not very nice.

Nellie: Oh no, don't you dare blame this on me. It's YOUR fault!

Mr T: Your right, how could I blame this on you. Your the innocent one of the bunch aren't you Nellie Lovett? (_approaches her)_ The only one who really cared for me. Well I hate to break it to you darling, but your also on Turr Pin's hit list.

Nellie(_in utter disguist)_: Eww gross. Are you serious? (_gags)_ He's sooo old and mean and really bad a dancing.

Mr T: See why I must kill him? See why I'm gonna Anthony?

Nellie: Well now there's a reason. So what do we do now?

Mr T: I think I'm just going to satisfy my revenge by killing everyone. Yes, I love blood and destruction. NYC could use less people.

Nellie: Oh-kay. Your scaring me again Mr T.

Mr T: Think of it this way my dear. We all deserve to die. Even you, Nellie Lovett, even I.

Nellie: Alright then, but who goes first.

Mr T: Why you of course, I said I was going to spare you until I kill the Turr Pin remember?

Nellie: No it isn't fair, I'm younger than you. YOU should go first.

Mr T: But I'm supposed to live to pass on the memory. I couldn't possibly leave you to do it.

Nellie: But I've barely lived my life, it isn't fair.

Mr T: Life isn't fair my pet. Would you rather bear Turr Pin's children?

Nellie: Eww hell no.

Mr T: The accept the fact that you're gonna die before me.

Nellie: How bout we rock, paper, sissor it?

Mr T: Okay fine.

Nellie: Ready

Nellie and Mr T: Rock, paper, sissor shoot (_they both do paper)_

Nellie and Mr T: Rock, paper, sissor, shoot(_they both do rock)_

Nellie and Mr T: Rock, paper, sissor, shoot(_they both do paper again)_

Mr T: Well I guess that means we're gonna die at the same time.

Nellie(_smiles)_: Works for me!

**Ahh yes, Chapter four! This had to be my weridest chapter yet. Once again I blame it on consuming far too much caffiene and boredom. Hope you liked it. Chapter five should be up either tomorrow or the next day depending on my work load. Coming up: Nellie's brillant plan on what to do with the bodies. What kind of victums will they find in grand ole NYC? Will Nellie ever cut down on coffee? Stay tuned!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Ta-da it's chapter five (I think) hooray! And I feel much better than I did last week. My ideas once again will be the biproduct of caffiene, my current mood, and anythign else that may sponteanously jump into my head. That's me, little miss sponteanous! (**_**smiles proudly)**_** Alright then, onto chapter five!**

_After the rock paper, sissors, battle to see who was going to die first…_

Nellie: Mkay Mr T, now that we have that over with, what ARE we going to do with the bodies. There will be quite of bit of them after you go on your murderous rampage…which is highly distrubing and scares the crap outta me.

Mr T: We'll uh…hide them in your closet…I mean..bury them?

Nellie (_looking at him carefully)_: Mr T, what did you do with Pirelli anyway?

Mr T: I uh…well..I sorta…stuffed him in your closet.

Nellie: You WHAT?

Mr T: You have way too much crap in there in the first place.

Nellie: That's none of your business. God, don't you have any manners at all. You NEVER look through a lady's closet.

Mr. T: Sorry I missed the memo on that one.

Nellie: Great now all my dresses are going to smell like rotten carcus. Get him out of there…now. (_giving him a death glare)_

Mr. T: I…I…yes ma'am. (_retrieves Pirelli's body)_

Nellie: You pulversized him!! Couldn't you have made his death fast and painless? His poor head…what did you do to him?

Mr T: You be quiet…we have to figure out what to do with the bodies.

Nellie(_sarcasticly)_: I dunno bury him. That is afterall the traditional way to do things.

Mr T: Okay Miss know it all…first of all, there will be quite a bit of bodies because I'm killing everyone. Second of all, I think people are going to notice us burying twenty bodies at one time…and…

Nellie: ALRIGHT…fine, any ideas?  
Mr T: We throw them into the sewers?

Nellie: That's no way to be respecting the dead.

Mr T: We toss them in the water?  
Nellie: Nah..too messy.

Mr T: We get a dump truck and bury them that way.

Nellie; That would never work.

Mr T: Why not?  
Nellie: Where would we get the money for a dump truck.

Mr T: Good point.

Nellie: I know! Since my coffee shop is doing rather crappy. I was thinking of selling pies..heres what we do. We chop up the bodies and make them into pies. That way we won't be wasting any of their fat. Trust me obseity has been an issue in America these days.

Mr T: That's the most ridiculous think I ever heard. And you think throwing them in the sewers is not respecting the dead. Sure, why don't we chop them up and make people eat them. Heh, that would be really funny. Ha ha…wouldn't that be interesting. People will be eating eachother without really knowing it. Hahahahaha(_starts laughing evily)_

Nellie: Just kidding, why on earth would I do a thing like that?

Mr T: What?  
Nellie: Dude I was only kidding, I mean who in their right mind would buy the pies? I mean wouldn't they taste really funky?

Mr T: Stupid people, Nellie. Stupid people would buy them. And New York is full of them.

Nellie: You can't be serious, I mean that's really disgusting and not to mention REALLLY disrespectful to the dead.

Mr T: Forget about respecting the dead. The living can't even respect the living.

Nellie: No Mr T, we are NOT killing people and making people into pies. That's just wrong in every single way.

Mr T(_pulls out his razor and holds it to her throat)_: We will kill people and make them into pies and you are gonna like it. Got it?

Nellie (_nervously)_: Yes, Mr. T what ever you say.

Mr T: Good, now tell me what kind of flavors you will be having.

Nellie: Ummm…blueberry and strawberry…and cherry. Cherry has always been my favorite.

Mr T (_sighs and opens the shades)_: How about priest…and poet….and businessman.

Nellie: Yes…and also hobo…serial killer…bank robber….policeman.

Mr T: How about bohemian….and Asian…and Spanish….and Italian.

Nellie: No, not Italian. Anything but Italian.

Mr T: Why?  
Nellie: Because Italian guys are hot and sexy and I'm going to dedicate my second marriage to one.

Mr T: You disgust me.

Nellie: It's true…it's not easy being thirty something and not having someone to love and be loved back. That is the greatest thing.

Mr T: Yeah yeah.

Nellie: I want a man who cares for me and cuddles with me when I'm sad…and recites poetry at my window (_gives Mr T an expectant look, then pouts when he ignores her)_ Albert was very bad at those sort of things. That's why he had to go.

Mr T: Will you have judge on the menu?  
Nellie: Probably, but we're not discussing that now…Albert would have been interesting and a good husband…that is..if the year was 1924. The poor soul was a good 20 yrs older than me. Now I just want a guy…an Italian guy…maybe me and him will live by the sea.

Mr T: Will you shut up. I am the greatest thing you'll ever have. A murderous psycho path like me is the best you will ever get, so deal with it.

Nellie: Great, so you love me?  
Mr T: NO just get out (_pushes her out the door)_ Damn woman.

_Meanwhile Anthony has returned to Johanna's balcony and currently wishing that she would open it and talk to him. His mouth hung open, his eyes were glazed and he had a shiner the size of a half dollar on his forehead._

Anthony (_out of breath)_: I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell you (_pants)_ Johannnnnnnnnnnnnnna.

Johanna (_finally opens the balcony doors)_: Anthony…I'm coming…Im going to runaway with you. I'm going to marry your poor pathetic soul and have lots of babies…and grow really really old with you…I'll be right down.

Turr Pin (_bursting in)_: Oh no you won't.

Johanna: Yes, I will. A gentleman knocks before entering a ladies room.

Turr Pin: Stupid girl, can't you see that I'm way beyond acting like a gentle man. Do you think manners got me where I am today?

Johanna: Of course not. That's why you can't get any right minded girl to marry you.

Turr Pin: That's it, you're crazy…I'm sending you to an insane aslyum.

Johanna: Oh no you won't.

Turr Pin: Fine then I'm sending you to the circus. Theres an opening for the bearded lady

Johanna: But there are carnees there. I will look horrible with a beard. It's not fair!

Turr Pin: Not my problem (_grabs her)_

Johanna: Let me….hey at least I'll get everyones attention. (_shrugs)_

_A couple hours later, Mr T has already killed fifteen victums. Nellie is grinding the meat and making them into pies._

Nellie (_groaning)_: I can't believe, we're making pies out of dead bodies. This is so gross. I should not have opened my big mouth.

Toby: Hey babe.

Nellie (_looks up alarmed)_: Toby! I mean, hi lil T.

Toby: Wasssup? Can we go back to your coffee shop. I want more of that expresso.

Nellie: In a moment, I have to finish making these pies.

Toby: Your selling pies now…lemme try.

Nellie: No, there not..

(_Toby takes one of the already made ones and bites into it)_

Toby: Hey…I didn't know you could cook. This is really good. This is really really good.

Nellie: Really?

Toby: Yeah, what kind is it?  
Nellie: Well that kind is homeless gangster….I mean meat pie. Just an ordinary meat pie…nothing suspicious here.

Toby: I'll say. I can help you sell them if you like.

Nellie; How so?  
Toby: I'll make up a rap for you. Her name is Nellie…She's friends with Kellie…She sells good pies that are good for the bellie…yeah…yo…(_dances raps to 'Lose Yourself")_ You better try these pies, you know you would want some, these pies aint like none,,you aint never gonna know…these pies are so good and filling and fo sho…cuz opportunity comes once in a lifetime. You better try these pies…(_stops)_ Nah Eminem isn't quite your style…don't worry I'll come up with something good for you. You'll see. How long will the rest of them take?

Nellie: About fifteen more minites.

Toby: Be back in fifteen…peace (_runs off)_

Nellie (_giggling)_: Cute kid. (_looks down at meat and groans)_ I still can't believe I'm grinding human meat into pies.

**Heh…sorry this one is short. I'm trying to get two fics done tonight and haven't really started my other one yet******** But I hope you liked this one. The Eminem song was a bit challenging and may not sound quite right, but that just adds to the humor. Coming up: Will customers like Nellie's pies? How is Anthony going to save Johanna from becoming a carnee? Will Nellie ever find the love of her life? Stay tuned..**


	6. Chapter 6

Okay so, I'm extremely bored at work…so here's Chapter Six..hooray!!! Thank you all for the terrific reviews. I think this time I am going to try and post both of my fics the same night. I have three whole hours left and honestly nothing better to do with them. So, I really hope you all enjoy! Cheers!

_Fifteen minites later, Nellie Lovett is taking her human meat pies to her coffee shop, feeling really digusted for doing so. Toby, or Lil T follows behind, helping her carry the pies and practicing his brand new rap that he had created for her. _

Nellie: Well here goes nothing…really (_flips over the 'open' sign)_

Toby: Don't worry, chica, your pies will be a big hit.

Nellie: I highly doubt that dearie..I mean who in their right mind would eat a pie made of human…I mean the meat I come up with. Im not that great of a cook. When I was around your age I nearly burnt down our apartment when trying to operate my easy bake oven. Don't ask me how.

Toby: Hey look a customer.

_Enter random customer who has a really flashy smile, cowboy attire and wearing a cowboy hat._

Random Customer (_heavy country accent)_: Hi..I'm new and wonderin if you had some good eatin here.

Nellie: Oh yes sir, here try a pie..a meat pie…it's really good.

Toby: Trust me I know.

Random Customer: Well, count me in then.

Nellie (_hands him a pie)_: Here you are, hot out of the oven.

Random Customer (_takes a btie)_: Yee-haw this is the best pie I've ever tasted. Even better than ma's. She was never a good cook, you can take it from me. You're quite the pie maker little lady. I'm gonna tell the whole world bout this shop…(_sticks his head out the door)_ Hey world, Nellie Lovett's pies are the best pies in all the world!!!!

Toby: Great that'll be ten bucks.

Random Customer: And you shall have it..with interest. (_hands Toby a twenty)_ Keep the change, doll (_winks at Nellie and walks out)_

Toby: See I told you..I told you…didn't I tell you that these pies were great?

Nellie: Yes, yes, you did dearie. Here go get the others and quick, there's a crowd of people coming this way.

Toby: You got it babe.

_Enter a group of seven people, mostly well dressed business men in their suits and holding briefcases._

Business Dude #1: Excuse me, but I just heard that you had the best pies in all the world.

Toby: She does.

Business Dude #2: I'll take one of your finest pies.

Nellie: As you wish (_hands him a 'Corporate Exectutive' pie)_ It'll make you a corperate exectutive.

Business Dude #3: I'll take one of those too

Nellie: I only have one of it's kind, here (_hands him a 'bank robber' pie)_ It'll make you very rich.

Business Dude #3: Works for me.

Business Dude #1: Do you have one that will make me president of the US?  
Nellie: Sorry, I haven't gotten one of those yet, but I can arrange to have one specially made for you.

Business Dude #1: Right then. I'll just take this one here.

Nellie: It'll make you smarter.

Toby (_whisphers)_: Do they really make people richer, smarter and president?  
Nellie: Possibly, they do include special ingrediants in which are based on these qualities.

Toby: Ready to do my rap now. (_jumps up on the one of the tables)_ YO YO YO YO Wat is up? This is your man lil T. I bring the best rhymes and rhythms for yo! Give it up for my girl Nellie Lovett! (_customers cheer loudly)_ Eat Nellie's pies, they don't include flies, they taste really good, we're tellin no lies….yeah…..yo…Try a fresh one, it's good for you son, they'll make you all smile, they so aint like none….yeah yo! (_waves his hands back and forth in the air, then starts rapping a combination of 'Get Low' by T Pain while throwing in words involving pies, how hott Nellie was, and that they'd better eat the pies and like them)_

_Meanwhile, Mr Todd was shaving an older gentleman with a longish white beard, bald head, and a wearing a werid lime green golf shirt._

Older Gent: Gotta look nice for bowling tonight. It's the 'Senior Center' verses 'Youthfully Challenged' tournament tonight.

Mr Todd: Bowling huh? I have never tried it.

Older Gent: Oh it's jolly good fun. It also attracts the ladies. Last week, I had four lovely ladies from the floor above me give me their email addresses. I really like Eithel, her hair is still blondish…even though Bertha has grey hair and a nice figure…but I really seem to like Ruth and Rosemary.

Mr Todd: Uh huh that's great..(_slits his throat)_ God I hate old people..they smell funny and go on and on about absolutely nothing (_holds up his razor)_ Wouldn't you agree, Veronica? Yes I love you too. Nothing will break us up again. (_kisses his razor passionately)_ Whelp, onto the next customer. (_throws the older gent's body into Nellie's closet and laughs evily)_ All this slitting throats remind me of my darling daughter Johanna. (_sings)_ And are you beautiful like her,, with yellow hair, like her?

Anthony(_as loud as he possibly could)_: I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you Johhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnna. (_stops and thinks)_ Hmm why hasn't she answered to my mating call..oh well better try even louder (_wails)_ I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you Johhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaa!

Mr T (_still singing and with a customer)_: I'm think missing less and less, my turtle dove, my sweet Johanna.

Customer: Hey, do you mind, I'm trying to relax here.

Mr T: Off with your head (_slits the customer's throat)_ Ahh, never gets old.

Enter Nellie 

Nellie: Hi Mister T, guess what? My pies were a big hit!!

Mr T: Yeah whoopie.

Nellie: Oh come on Mister T, be happy, our tremedously convoluted plan worked.

Mr T: Great, theres more bodies in the closet.

Nellie (_getting mad)_: I told you, not to stuff them in my closet!!!

Mr T: What ya gonna do about it, huh?

Nellie: Oh please Mister T, can't you for once be happy? Business hasn't been this great since I was eighteen and taking over the coffee business from my parents. I remember you used to come all the time. You said that a lot of the customers came not for the coffee, but to see me. They thought I was pretty. Was it true for you, Mr T? Did you sometimes come just to see me?

Mr T: No, why would I?

Nellie: Because that's when you used to be nice and have a heart. (_tears up alittle)_

Mr T: Will you cut it out? My god you get emotional.

Nellie: I can't help it. (_eyes tear up alot and she starts sniffing)_

_Enter Toby_

Toby: Hey Nellie I…Yo Mr T, why'd you make her cry?

Mr T: She's just faking it. Trying to put me on a guilt trip.

Nellie (_still crying)_: No I'm not. So what you're telling me is that you don't think I'm pretty?

Mr T: Quit being a baby. You're 35 yrs old, you shouldn't be crying over whether I think you're pretty or not.

Nellie: I'm 30, thank you very much and I hate what you've become. You're a monster. All you think about is stupid Lucy and the stupid mob boss. Quit living in the goddamn past, Mr. T.

Mr T starts for her, but Toby blocks her 

Toby: Stay away from her.

Mr T: heh what are you gonna do about it?

Toby: I'm gonna take yo ass down..that's what I'm gonna do.

Mr T: Talk to me after you hit puberty. (_pushes lil T out of the way)_ How dare you call my Lucy stupid.(_starts for her again)_

Nellie: I can call her stupid all I want. Stupid… stupid…. stupid. I mean you're better off marrying a Barbie doll.

Mr T: You've gone way too far this time. I have you know that I prefer Brat dolls.

Nellie: What EVER. They're all the same..plastic and brainless.

Mr T: No they're not, Brat dolls are a lot hotter and come with cool accessories.

Nellie: How would you know?  
Mr T: Because when I was stuck in that blasted crate…. there was a brat doll left in there. And she was my only friend. (_starts weeping)_ I miss you Chloe..I miss all the intellegent advice you would give me and..and…you're full red lips.

Nellie: Oh my gosh Mr T…you dated a brat doll!?

Toby: Dude that's just plain werid.

Mr T: Leave me, both of you. (_yells)_ LEAVE ME!

Nellie: Wanna go gets some ice cream?  
Toby: Gladly let's go (_both of them hurry out of the room)_

Mr T: I lost two women in my life..My Lucy and Chloe..why? Oh why? Why doth the world have to be so cruel to thee? (_monologue interupted by something hitting his window, he looks out to see Anthony throwing rather large stones at his window) _What the hell are you doin? Tryin to break my window or somethin?

Anthony; No, just tryin to get your attention. Do you know where Johanna went? She always goes out on her balcony at noon. But today she didn't. I think something terrible happened to her.

Mr T: What makes you think I would know where she went?

Anthony: Well I dunno, you're obsessed with that Turr Pin..I thought you would know.

Mr T: Well I don't. Do me a favor Anthony and run and join the circus.

Anthony: The circus? Hey that's a good idea! Maybe Turr Pin is treating her to a night at the circus. I'll have to come up with a plan to intercept her.

Mr T: I have an idea, they're hiring for clowns…why don't you take the job?

Anthony: A clown? But clowns freak me out..they have those big red noses and giant feet…and I know!! I'm just gonna buy a ticket and hopefully the circus worker dudes will seat me next to her. See ya later Mr T (_runs off singing 'I feel you Johanna")_

Mr. T: Get run over by a car while you're at it…moron.

Anthony: Take your car…okay! (_pause)_ You haven't given me the keys yet.

Mr T: Not intending to..

Anthony: Oh well. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you Johaaaaaaaannnnnaaaaa.

Mr T: I'm just gonna pretend that never happened. Let's try it again..I lost two women in my life..my Lucy and Chloe. Why? Oh why? Why doth the world have to be so cruel to thee? I did not commit any act in which I deserve such a punishment. I used to have a heart. I used to appreciate things. Like walks on the beach, little puppies barking and nipping at my ankles, babies babbling and giggling, warm buttered popcorn, long bubble baths…DID I ASK FOR ALL THAT MUCH! Did I-

Nellie: Mr. T, who are you talking to?

Mr T: My invisible psychologist.

Nellie: Really? Bout time you got one. You have some serious issues man.

Mr T: No shit (_awkward pause)_ Don't you have work to be done or a 14 yr old boyfriend to entertain.

Nellie: He's not my boyfriend, Sweeney.

Mr T: Sure acts like it..following you around like a guard dog..eyes perminatly at your chest.

Nellie: Oh shut up will you? Toby is a very nice boy. He's only looking out for me.

Mr T: I'll say…and you are so liking it.

Nellie: Am not. Its very cute, but I'm not turned on by it, if that's what you mean.

Mr T: Yeah yeah..sure.

Nellie: I only came up here to ask you if you wanted to go to central park for the laser light show tonight. You like…I mean you USED to like it. Please I'd really like it if you came. (_kneels in front of him and gives him a pretty smile)_ Pleeease.

Mr T: Only if…

Nellie: If, what?

Mr T: Well when rumaging through your closet, I did notice a very nice lookin corset.

Nellie: Eww pervert.

Mr T: Be nice Nellie..I was going to say I'm sorry making you cry earlier.

Nellie: Actually my eyes were just getting teary due to my allergy to dust. It's dreadful up here.

Mr T: Just kidding then. So, is that a yes or no to my offer.

Nellie: If you're expecting me to flounce around in my corset for god knows how long, you've got another thing comin.

Mr T: Then I wont go with you to the park then.

Nellie: Fine…whatever you say. (_gazes at him for a moment)_ I'm not sure I like this new side of you…so mean and perverted…and

Mr T: Leave me now.

Nellie (_sighs)_: Fine…(_to herself)_ So mean and perverted…but somehow I find it very sexy. Oh well, back to work.

**Okay now I'm done with chapter six. This was another extremely random chapter which the ideas went straight from my head and onto the page. I hope you liked it. Coming up next: Nellie, Mr T, and Toby hang out in Central Park…what will that lead to? BUM BUM BUM.**


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